Or, What They Never Told You On Orientation Island
By
Lindal Kidd
July 22, 2007
4654 Words
If you're reading this, you've already discovered Second Life, the popular Massively Multi-Player Online Game (MMPOG) that promises its users a virtual world, where everyone can be and do whatever they dream.
Like the Internet itself, the biggest topic in Second Life is SEX. Don't believe me? Just take a look around. Even in the PG rated areas, almost everyone is attractive, and most are wearing clothing that would be shockingly provocative in the real world. In the Mature areas (that is, most areas of SL), there are dance clubs, sex clubs, meeting spots, escort services, and shops that sell all manner of sex toys. Most of the women's clothing stores carry designs that look like they belong in Victoria's Secret or Fredericks of Hollywood (and why not? We finally have the bodies to carry it off!) There are animation poseballs that make your avatar perform actions that vary from mildly suggestive all the way to the raunchiest positions in the Kama Sutra. Sex might not be the Number One Concern of everyone in SL, or at least not all the time…but it's still a very, very important part of the culture.
Yet, incredibly, very little specific information is available. Most residents of Second Life learn about sex in the virtual world the same way they learn in the real world: by trial and error. The purpose of this guide is to introduce you, the new SL Resident, to SL sex…its peculiarities, its etiquette, and its (very extensive!) permutations and variations.
A General Discussion of Cyber-Sex
Some people think engaging in sex while sitting in front of a computer screen is about on a par with masturbation (and in fact, a lot of participants do wind up typing one-handed, at least part of the time!) . In one sense, those people are right. After all, you are all alone in the room with your computer. But sex isn't all, or even mostly, about actual physical contact. Sex is largely a mental activity, but because of the physical bits that traditionally go along with it, we tend to forget that. The imagination is a powerful aphrodisiac. Pornography in print -- dirty pictures and racy stories -- has a long history of commercial success. Phone sex has been with us for decades now. Cyber-sex merely adds another dimension – along with voice, we now have sound effects and visual stimulation.
There are some real benefits to cyber-sex, too. Above all, it's safe. You can't catch AIDS or other STDs through your monitor. You can't be forced to do anything you don't consent to. You can't be raped, beaten up, or killed by some sicko. Cyber-sex gives you the opportunity to experiment in ways that you might be too embarrassed to suggest to your real-world partner. You can even experiment with variations that you wouldn't suggest to any real-world partner. Furries, anyone? Demons? Vampire kisses?
Tips for Sexual Netiquette
But before you start running naked through Second Life, propositioning everyone you meet, you should know that the virtual community does have some standards to uphold. Learning them and following them will make cybering (the slang term for virtual sex) more enjoyable for you, your partners, and everyone around you. Here are a few basics:
Don't do it in PG rated areas. Violating this one will get you banned.
Don't have sex with minors. Ever. In fact, don't age-play…that is, use a child avatar for sexual activities. You will be banned. Depending on where you live, you might even be prosecuted.
Don't do it in public areas, even in Mature sections of the grid…unless the "public place" is one intended for such activity. Rent a room, borrow someone's apartment, fly to a deserted island, find a bush.
Spend a little time working on your appearance before you try out your pickup lines. One of the biggest clichés in Second Life is the t-shirted noobie who runs up to every woman he sees and asks "Hey, babe, do ya wanna?" Even virtual girls appreciate a little finesse.
Don't offer friendship right away to everyone you meet, and don't feel hurt if you offer and they don't accept. In SL, friends can see each other's online status at any time, and many people don't want to provide that level of access to someone they've just met.
Don't ask personal questions about a new acquaintance's real life, or don't feel offended if they decline to answer. Many people are perfectly willing to be polite, and even cyber with you, while still wanting to keep their real life identities private. Nobody likes a nosy-parker.
Respect the property of others. Many residences in Second Life are open and unoccupied, and can contain some awesome sexual aids such as animated beds and other furniture. I won't tell you not to use places like this for your experiments, but if you do, please leave everything the way you found it. It wouldn't be a bad idea to leave a polite note of thanks for the owner, too. And be aware that the owner might come home at any time, to find you in a compromising position. Best to find a place of your own, if you can!
If someone else is doing something you find offensive, don't argue with them. Ignore it, or go elsewhere. After all, in SL, you can go anywhere at all in an instant!
If someone objects to something you are doing, don't argue with them. Ignore it, or go elsewhere…
Don't be a virtual voyeur. OK, I know, you're not gonna listen to me on that one. SL's magic camera can see through walls, and it's sooo hard not to peek. There's no privacy in this virtual world, and most people know that…but one should at least try to preserve the illusion where one can, shouldn't one?
Be tolerant. What turns you on may be disgusting to someone else, and vice versa. In fact, I'm going to remind you (and myself) of this so often in this guide, that I'm going to coin a new acronym here: Different Strokes for Different Folks (DS4DF).
A Cornucopia of Riches: SL Sexual Appliances
Second Life features every sex toy that's ever appeared in the real world, plus some things that are unique to this new digital realm. I'll try to start with the basics here, and move upward roughly in terms of cost and complexity.
Custom Skins and Hair. The original skin supplied with your avatar isn't very convincing, and the hair is worse. Much more realistic skin and hair is available. Some of it is low cost, or even free, although topnotch custom skins can sell for thousands of Linden dollars ($L). Most custom skins, unlike the default skin, are not modifiable…that is, you can't adjust the skin tone or makeup. So the skin makers will generally give you a range of choices, from a dewy-fresh daytime look to sultry midnight glamour. The point here, though, is that custom skins and hair, besides looking much more attractive, are more, um, anatomically correct. They have real nipples, and pubic hair, which the default skin lacks. However, even the most expensive custom skins don't feature genitalia. That, as the car dealer said, is an aftermarket extra. That's the bad news. The good news is, it's quite possible to cyber without genital add-ons, especially for women. Some of the animations look a bit odd (guys stroking a nonexistent member, for example), but just use your imagination until you save up the $L for that CyberPrick2000.
Unscripted Genitalia. For only a few $L, you can get yourself a penis or a vagina to attach to your avatar. These low-cost appliances are visual aids only...they don't react, as the much more expensive scripted items do. One note for the guys: when you're not using it, put it in your Inventory, not in your pants. It'll stick out in the breeze otherwise.
Strap-ons and dildos. Really, every form of SL genitalia is a strap-on...but there are all sorts of penis substitutes out there. They're intended for the ladies, of course, but I was enormously amused by one guy I met who used one instead of the more anatomically correct item. What a sense of humor!
Scripted Genitalia. The two biggest names are Xcite and Sensations. Both makers take pains to coordinate with other sex attachment vendors to ensure a range of compatibility. For example, you may see an advertisement for a sex bed that says "Xcite compatible!". These complex body parts are interactive...if your partner touches your Xcite-enhanced nipple, it might whisper on the Chat channel, "Sam's fingers brush Lindal's nipple and make her gasp." Many people find that having talking body parts is a bit disconcerting, while others think that it's a very useful aid in communicating their state of arousal to their partner.
[sidebar: The SK-Intimate. Although it's not from the Big Two, I've been pretty happy with the SK-Intimate attachment from SkinWorkz. The SK device is only a single prim that attaches to your avatar and activate all your body parts (lips, ears, neck, nipples, legs, etc.) Instead of a separate attachment for each part. You can specify who you want to be able to interact with your body parts, at either an R or an X rated level, and you can give your favorite partners pet names that the SK will use when it chats. It can be used by either gender, too. Comes with a number of custom animations and sounds, to reduce your reliance on poseballs. Skinworkz sells genitalia, too, either separately or in a bundle with the basic SK device. They're available exclusively from the SK-Intimate stores in Great Staughton and Bamseom, and through SLExchange. Also, the originator, Mr.Right David, gives great product support!]
Some of these items also feature "bling", that particle feature that makes SL jewelry appear to sparkle. They might emit more than sparks, too...hearts and flowers, anyone? I find this pretty comical, myself, but there are those who like it. DS4DF.
A note of caution. Anybody who knows the trick of seeing invisible prims can find out if you are wearing this stuff...and if you haven't got it disabled or access-coded, they can trigger your private parts in public. This will greatly amuse everyone nearby at your expense.
Some attachments are way out in left field. There's an item that keeps coming up in my searches on SLExchange that seems to be a gadget for implanting your partner with an alien larva. Eeech. Or, if you want to pitch and catch, you can rig yourself out as a hermaphrodite.
Poseballs. You see those pink and blue balls on the club dance floor, or sitting on the furniture? Those are poseballs, a staple of SL animation. Right click on the appropriate ball, and select "sit here" or "animate" from the pie menu. Your avatar will start to dance, or curl up cozily with your partner, or start humpin' away. You can use poseballs you find lying around, or you can buy a selection of your own and just drop them wherever you and your partner find convenient and hop on. To stop, right-click your avatar and select "Stand Up". It's also handy to have a Stop All Animations script in your Inventory, in case you get stuck in an infinite loop.
Gestures and Sounds. There are lots and lots of gestures you can buy, some of them quite sexual in nature, others that are hilariously funny, especially when performed by the right avatar at the right moment. Many of these gestures come with sound effects. There are also collections of sounds by themselves, which can be used alone, or in combination with your own gestures or other animations. I find sound to be a big personal turn-on, and I have a large collection.
Hug attachments. These are simple scripted objects, and can often be found as freebies. You wear them invisibly on any free attachment point. Their operation is simple: You chat something like "/hug
Animation Overrides. AOs can be as simple as a "sexy walk" script embedded in a pair of shoes, or a collection of walks, sits, and stands that adds to the attractiveness of your avatar. Some of the collections are themed, such as "Casual Girl", "Confidence", or "SupaSexy". They give your avatar a distinct personality.
Heads-up Displays (HUDs). In SL, a HUD is a control panel that occupies part of your screen, with buttons to select various animations that you or the vendor have loaded into it. It can be minimized or made partially transparent when you're not using it, so as to keep down the on-screen clutter. One popular example is the ZHAO, which is available free or at low cost, or at higher cost with a collection of animations pre-loaded. Another is the HUDDLES device. It's more flexible than the ZHAO, with a lot more options...but is correspondingly more expensive and a little harder to learn to use proficiently. I like HUDs better than poseballs, because I think those silly spheres are unnatural. But DS4DF!
One caution though...HUDs and animation overrides can conflict with animations from poseballs and scripted furniture. This can result in borking your most intimate moments. ("Borked" is an SL term meaning "broken", or "all f--ked up".) Turn off your AOs and HUDs before you jump on that SexGen bed! If your cyber session does encounter problems, send your partner a quick "BRB" (Be Right Back), log out of SL, and log back in, selecting "last location" as your entry point. This cures a lot of lockups.
Scripted Furniture. Some of the most attractive (and expensive) pieces of furniture in SL are really camouflaged sex toys, with extensive menus of various sexual activities built right in. SexGen beds are the most common, but there are also scripted sofas, chairs, kitchen tables, area rugs, and even bathroom fixtures. If a human being has had sex on it, there's probably a scripted version in SL! If you touch (right click the object and select Touch from the pie menu) one of these items, it will present you with a menu of intriguing choices. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of this scripted furniture will interact with your scripted genitals. A little of this can be exciting, but I find that TOO much reliance on the wonders of automation makes me start to feel like a robot. In many instances, I prefer the personal touch of actual chat with my partner. So we have come full circle and back to Square One...using your imagination and descriptive abilities to arouse yourself and your partner.
So, Lindal, How Do I Score?
I knew that eventually this would get to the "Dear Abby" stage. You score with a girl in SL the same way you do in RL, pal: Be charming, polite, and witty. Show that you're an interesting person who's fun to be with. Show an interest in her...don't haul her off to the nearest sack, take her on a date, ya big lug!
Does this work? All I can say is, it sure works on me! I recall one guy I met in a store. I was in a formal gown, partly because I'd just been trying on clothes and liked the outfit, and partly because I figured that chance favors the prepared. We chatted for a bit, and then the guy put on a formal suit and invited me to go dancing. We found a romantic place (the Moonglow Ballroom,
And, guys? An important advantage to SL dating: it costs much less than a date in the real world. In most cases it's free! Unless you're using an escort service, of course. Frankly, I've never understood why any avatar would pay for it when there are so many partners willing to Do It for free. But escorts continue to make good money, because some guys like the fantasy of being with a call girl. Others just like to eliminate the uncertainty factor. DS4DF!
Getting Down to Business.
OK, you've met this girl...or guy...or thing...and you've hit it off. You've found a private little place. You're both ready. What now? (Hey, stop that snickering. We're assuming the newbies reading this don't know the Facts of Digital Life, all right?) First, take a few seconds to set the mood. You can command the time of day in Second Life, via the View menu, so why not set the world's clock to dusk, or night? Or you can Do It at high noon on a tropical beach. Whatever you and your partner like! Just remember that you both have to set your viewers. Otherwise, it's night for you and noon for him! How about a little music? There's streaming radio piped to most areas of SL. Just click on the little "Music" icon near the bottom of your screen and adjust the volume. Some regions play their own audio, and you may be fortunate enough to be in one where the tunes playing suit the situation. Or if you're in a private home (yours, preferably, or maybe someone else's), there may be a music system you can use.
Next, indulge in some gentle foreplay. Hug and kiss, using poseballs, or a HUD, or scripted furniture. Now, don't just sit there and drool on your keyboard. Chat with your partner! Tell him/her/it (Or them? Yesss!) how much you like what she's doing. Tell her how you're feeling. Tell her how much she turns you on. If your partner sends you some clues via chat, try to do things she likes...everyone likes a considerate lover.
As things heat up, both of you are going to feel overdressed. Right click on your avatar. If you hit an article of clothing, or your avatar itself, one of your pie menu options will be "Take Off". Clicking on this brings up another set of options, including "Clothes". Then there's another option set, which allows you to remove a specific article, or everything at once. So, take it off, baby! If you hit an attachment, your options will be "Detach", or "Drop". I prefer Detach, as the item immediately goes back to your Inventory instead of lying around for somebody to pick up.
Be careful what you Detach...once, I was wearing a long hairstyle. In my nervousness, I selected my hair instead of my shirt, and snatched myself bald. Tres embarrassment, no? And, ladies? Leave those spike heels on. For some strange reason, guys are turned on by a naked broad wearing 5" stilettos in bed.
Titillation and anticipation is sexy! So, plan ahead and wear some hot underwear under that outfit. Just be careful not to take it off with your outer garments. If your chosen underwear would show under your preferred outfit, you can make up a "Bedroom" outfit with some advance planning. Just set everything up the way you want to appear in the bedroom, and while you are in Appearance mode, Save As Outfit. Give it a name like "Bedtime Lindal". Then, when you and your partner have the stage all set, you can say, "Let me just slip into something more comfortable", and drag the Bedtime Lindal folder onto your avatar.
[sidebar: A Note on Outfits.
You have to take some care when creating an Outfit. Be sure that everything you want to wear (like a prim hairstyle attachment, for example) is included in the outfit. Otherwise, dragging the Outfit onto your avatar will delete your hair and leave nothing in return. Also, I prefer not to include No Copy items in my Outfits. If you do, the No Copy items will vanish from the folder where you normally keep them, and move to the Outfit folder. This makes them harder to find the next time you want to wear them with something else. To be sure that you have it right, always test out your Outfit before you use it for real!]
A few articles of clothing are sold with the option to have your partner remove them. I think all clothes should have this feature...it's a big turn on for both of you.
Are you having trouble getting worked up because of the artificiality of it all? One trick that I've found useful is self-stimulation. And not necessarily actual masturbation while seated at the computer. Say that your partner is fondling your avatar's nipples, or you're in a passionate kiss. Lightly run your own fingers across sensitive places (lips, neck, nipples, etc.) on your physical Real Life body, while watching the on-screen action. Imagine that your fingers are your partner's. If you're the one running this show, suggest that your partner try this, and control his self-stimulation via chat. Like this: "/me runs her fingers ever so lightly down Sam's ribs." "/me brushes the inside of Sam's thigh."
Eventually, you'll both be ready for the main event. Hop on the appropriate poseball, or scripted bed, and away you go. Don't forget to keep listening to what your partner's telling you, and keep chatting with them about your own feelings. It doesn't have to be great poetry...a simple, "mmmm, nice!" or "ohhh, do that some more!" will do just fine.
Continue in this vein until both you and your partner's typing skills get borked. Congratulations...you've just cybered!
Variations.
Second Life cyber-sex features all of the sexual variations that you find out in the real world. There's quite a strong component of Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) and d/s (dominant/submissive) in the SL scene. There are gays and lesbians. There are fetishists of all types. There are people who are into the Vampire fantasy. There are transgendered people. There's a large group of humanoid animal avatars collectively known as "Furries". Whatever your pleasure or your curiosity, a quick Search is likely to turn up a double handful of hits. Feel free to explore the ones that pique your interest, and ignore the ones that don't. DS4DF.
The Goreans.
You won't be in SL long before you hear somebody mention Gor. A large number of fans of John Norman's "Gor" novels are Second Life residents, and spend their time re-creating the fantasy society described in Norman's books. This society overlaps the traditional BDSM and d/s crowd, but the two are not exactly the same. Gor is a society where many of the women are enslaved. They're not (usually) mistreated, but trained in the arts of giving pleasure. Those I've spoken with seem very happy in their roles. I'm told that the Gorean sims are fascinating places to visit, and quite safe if you abide by their rules. I'd dig out one or two of Norman's books before you decide to visit, by way of gathering background on the culture. If you decide to be an active participant, be prepared for some very immersive roleplaying.
What Happens in SL, Stays in SL.
That's usually true, but not always. It's the "not always" that leads to the impassioned debates about things like "should people be required to disclose their real life gender?" There are arguments on both sides, and DS4DF, but I'm going to give you my take on it.
"Second Life, The Official Guide" quotes a survey that indicates nearly 20% of real life males prefer to play a female avatar in Second Life. A smaller, but still notable, percentage of females prefer to play as a male character. The percentages may be larger; everyone has lied on sex surveys since Kinsey invented them.
Frankly, I'm not surprised at this. Even in real life, there are a significant number of people who actively seek a sex change, despite the enormous cost, emotional trauma, and physical risk it entails. There must be many more people who elect not to take those risks but yet would still prefer to be the other gender if they had the chance. Second Life provides that chance.
More than that, Second Life is a rarity in computer games...it actually gives the advantage to women. There are far more products for women (that's true in the real world, too, but even more so in SL). In cyberspace, there is no strength advantage to being male. And, people tend to be more friendly, outgoing, and helpful to female avatars.
In most cases, gender roleplay harms no one, and it helps beautify the landscape. I have absolutely no desire to know the real life gender of my SL friends and cyber partners...I would much rather know them as the person they are in Second Life! Since you can be whoever you want to be in SL, one's SL persona is, in some sense, more "real" than some accident of birth.
There's also the question of maintaining a sense of realism. If I know that a person is "really" a different gender than he or she is playing, the knowledge will inevitably color my reactions to that person. This creates a negative feedback loop that harms both of us and detracts from the SL experience. As I once said in one of the SL forums, there is a big emotional difference between "I'm an elf" and "I'm a stockbroker playing an elf".
But there are real people behind the avatars, and once in a while a virtual relationship leads to one in the real world. In this case, if one of the parties has been playing the opposite gender, the other can get a very upsetting surprise. All I can say is, if you aren't playing your real world gender, and you see a relationship headed in this direction...don't wait too long.
First Comes Love, Then Comes...
Second Life is a social minicosmos in cyberspace. Is it a surprise to anyone that one of the biggest human social events is a part of it? Yep, there are weddings in Second Life! As far as the "social event" aspect goes, I'm all for it. I'd love to walk down the aisle someday in a gorgeous gown by Nicki Ree, and throw the party of the decade for my friends afterwards! It's the "marriage" part that poses problems. Marriage is a moral commitment. If you're not married in real life, then you're free to make that commitment to someone else, in or out of cyberspace. Or, if you want to renew your real life commitment to your partner in SL, well and good. But if you are already married in real life, please think long and hard about what a second marriage in cyberspace will do to your relationship with your real world partner.
In the end, it all comes down to the Golden Rule: Be Nice To People. Have all the fun you like, but be careful of hearts, my darlings...they're so easily broken.
SL Hotspots
Here are some landmarks of some popular SL establishments that have something to do with sex...products, services, or entertainment venues. Many more possibilities can be unearthed with SL's Search function, or in the forums on http://www.secondlife.com or at http://www.slexchange.com (don't forget to check "Enable Mature Content"!)
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About the Author:
Lindal Kidd started her Second Life sometime in June, 2007. Although she'd been connected to the Internet for years, SL opened her eyes to the possibilites of cyber-sex, and she's been happily exploring them ever since. She denies all accusations that she wrote this Guide in order to get laid more often. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a writer, not a sex worker!"
